Death by Dung


Friedrich Riesfeldt was a keeper at the Paderborn, Germany, Zoo.
Friedrich ended up much deeper than you ever want to be in poo.
His elephant, named Stefan, norm’ly shat with regulation
But his bowels was out o’ step an’ he was fit wit’ constipation.

He’d been cared for like a pet, what was this all about?
Twenty tons o’ food he et, for days nothin’ came out.
He’d been exercised around his pen and fed a healthy diet;
T’were there anythin’ to ease his pain you know Friedrich would try it.

His animals were his concern; he’d stay all night and sit
with a sickly-lookin’ pachyderm who couldn’t give a shit.
What an awesome task it was – uncork a beast that big
First try: a bushel basket full o’ berries, prunes and figs.

“Some laxative’ll do ya’ good, You’ll like it now, big fella.
Anyone in Germany would; it tastes just like Nutella!”
Stef studied it like elephants do, they sniff with their long noses
Took quite a while ‘fore has was through – he ate twenty-two doses!

The final touch: a enema Fred made with olive oil,
A extra-virgin formula to make the bowels boil.
As Fred got close and aimed the spray into the mammal’s rear
He didn’t know that, in a way, both their ends were near.

“Now Stefan, stop yer grumblin’. I’m yer biggest fan”
Stef’s innards started rumblin’. Then the shit hit the man.
Fred dropped; t’weren’t just a booboo – The fall plum knocked him out
An amazin’ ‘mount of doodoo then proceeded to pour out.

T’weren’t no animal nor human ’round when Fred fell in that trap
No hound came to rescue him in that there avalanche o’ crap.
He wish’t he’d been curatin’ for some much smaller species
He wouln’t be suffocatin’ neath a waterfall o’ feces.

Friedrich managed one last breath, his final respiration.
Zoo vets diagnosed his death – the cause was defecation.
One way or another it became a world-wide scoop:
German Keeper Smothered by Two Hun’erd Pounds o’ Poop

Zoos are full o’ dirty jobs that someone’s gotta do
Yer thinkin’ that this story’s odd – too crappy to be true.
Well, you won’t find a truer fact in that almanac on yer shelf
A friend of a friend o’ my Cousin Jack overheard it his own self!


© April 20, 2014


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