Suicide by Murder

Manhattan cops see a lot o’ deaths, but some can still surprise
Take the case of Ronald Opus, who jumped from a high-rise
If you’d’a guessed he splattered in the street you’d lose that bet
’round the seventh floor some window washers hung a safety net

When the fire department reached him, they had hopes thet he weren’t dead
but though the net had stopped his fall, he’d been shot plum full o’ lead
The young man had died anyway; what made it extra sad
is that it happened outside the flat of Ronald’s Mom and Dad

Now, Ronald’s parents were famous for bein’ mean and rich
Mom disinherited Ronald, Dad called her a bitch
The elder Opus led a pretty volatile kinda life
Ev’ry couple o’ weeks or so he’d threaten to kill his wife

He’d shoot her with a shotgun that he’d always kept unloaded
On this particular tragic day the weapon done exploded
The shot went through their window, a couple storeys down
from where Opus Junior had begun his planned trip to the ground

Ronald failed at jumpin’ to death, and yet the boy was gone
It looked like he’d been murdered, but who could they pin it on?
“I never loaded the weapon!” is the story the father tells
Had some mysterious enemy inserted the shotgun shells?

The police wanted to charge the father with some kind of crime
His wife declared, “He’s innocent! He does this all the time.”
The old man claimed, “It’s just a game; the make-up sex is fun!”
Neither one of them had the slightest clue as to who had loaded the gun

An investigation ID’d the perp; fingerprints were the proof
The gun had been loaded by Ronald, who’d just jumped off the roof
The DA found no precedent in the lawbooks on his shelf
He couldn’t charge a dead man with the murder of hisself

There was in fact a suicide note, as the police had predicted
Ronald had gotten tired of bein’ poor and drug-addicted
His first plan was to load the gun he knew his dad would shoot
With his mother dead and dad in jail, he’d inherit the family loot

But time went by and no murder occurred; Ron couldn’t wait no more
He resolved to end his life by leapin’ from the ‘leventh floor
The Opuses had found his note, which sparked that evenin’s fight
Ron had directed his own demise. His timing was just right

He planned a murder, then a suicide, and though the plot got twisted
He succeeded at both, with only one vic, if not quite unassisted
The M.E. ruled it suicide, strangest case he’d ever seen
“T’were like the man had offed himself with a Rube Goldberg machine!”

©April 1, 2016


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