The Really Bad Day

Did you ever have a really bad day, one worse than any other?
The kind that makes a grown-up man start cryin’ for his mother?
Well, this really happened to a friend of a friend
of one of my landlord’s handymen’s
neighbor’s cousin’s boss’s nanny’s grandmother’s hairdresser’s brother.

His wife bought him a motorcycle; he had to learn to ride
He circled ’round the patio while his wife watched from inside.
Worst driver that you ever seen
He lost control o’ his machine
crashed through the slidin’ glass door that his wife forgot to slide.

Th’ bruises, cuts an’ broken glass made for a gruesome scene
His wife was more concerned with cleaning up spilt gasoline
She mopped up with a paper towel
an’ dropped it in the toilet bowl
‘fore th’ ambulance rushed her man away, wailin’ its si-reen.

In the hospital he miserated ’bout his wife’s dang’rous present.
‘sides stitches, pain pills, bandages, he got antidepressants
Back home, he said, “This really hurts
To confront my wife would make it worse
I’ll relax wit’ a beer an’ a smoke, that might be kinda pleasant.”

Well, this man’s wife might be one o’ the world’s biggest fools
You know the toilet ain’t no place to dispose o’ motor fuels
He sat down there, this broken man
dropped his cigarette in the can . . .
Th’ explosion burnt his butt near off an’ destroyed the Family Jewels.

A second set o’ paramedics answered the alarm
Medical pros, you think they’d know the rule “First, do no harm”
When they heard the facts thats his wife tole
they laughed so hard they lost control
They dropped the stretcher on the ground an’ broke the poor man’s arm

If this happened on the movie screen you might think it was thrillin’
but the actu’l sequence of events brings up a thought that’s chillin’
‘Twere as bad a day as one can be
sustainin’ injuries one-two-three
Was he jes’ havin’ a really bad day, or was his wife tryin’ to kill ‘im?

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